Crazy nightmare/dream

Still can't forget the dream I had last night. Somehow it was so vivid that I think it etched itself into my mind.

In that dream (or perhaps nightmare), I was a vampire (one that have fangs anyway). Only in that dream I do not drink blood. Nope. It was sort of a twilight sort of dream (minus the shiny vampire thingy).

In fact in the start of the dream (or as far as I can recall), I didn't even know I was a vampire. The next thing I remember, I was in a bus. It was on a sort of highway but its also more like a racetrack, in circles and slanting inwards. The sky was dark, so my guess is its dusk, for there's no sign of any sun.

Sky was starless, but the lamp posts around lit up the road. The bus was running in circles at what seems like full speed, round and round, never stopping. Then I saw what I fear the most. Him. No, I don't mean god.

Another vampire, but more like a stalker, refusing to leave my mind, and now terrorizing me, following closely, one moment he was driving a car just behind the bus, but as I visualized him more and more vivid in my mind, he appeared to close the gap and next thing I know, he was in the bus.

I screamed, telling the love ones to run, to elsewhere, anywhere, just not near me. He bares his fangs and gotten very close to me, as if smirking at me, as if saying "Let's see where else you can go."

"Leave me alone!" I yelled, trying to keep my cool but failing miserably.

"Weren't you the one who seek me?" He whispered nastily.

"Since when?" I demanded, trying to summon up enough courage to stare at him in the eye, the blood red eyes that I have once sworn never to see again.

"I knew I couldn't find you, could not even trace you, not until you have the desire to seek for me first. As long as you have me in your mind, I will be able to locate you, no matter where you try to run off to..." He leans closer till I was backed up against the bus window.

"How..." I trailed off, wondering why I even think of him in the first place and land myself in such a situation.

"Ah... Our minds connect and I see what you have seen. And personally, I don't really like what I had seen..." There seems to be a hint of anger in that voice, and I felt as if I could understand what trigger him off. Cos I saw my love in my mind. The one that have kept my sanity for so long and the one that I hold so dear to my heart.

"Yes... That's the one..." He snarled, and kept a hand under my neck, as if he would strangled me if I don't stop having my love in my mind.

All the sudden his fangs reflected the light from the lamp post, bringing me back to the "reality". I had fear, but not for myself. I was more worried that he would harm my love than me. Cos deep down, I probably already knew, he could do no more harm to me.

He seems to read my mind and replied "I won't go after him, not when my prize is here. He can have his pathetic life." Then to my own horror, I bare my fangs at him (since when do I have fangs...). "You shan't have me either!" I remembered shouting that before I pushed past him and the next thing I knew I was at a castle, or palace, just somewhere huge and the bus and road were no longer visible.

After that I pretty much woken up and it was like freaking 5am... And I couldn't even have a good rest cos I gotta wake up for work at 7am. Crazy brain, refusing to let me rest in peace for the past week, waking me at unearthly hours and made me tired throughout my work...

Pray that I can rest well tonight...

If I wasn't so lazy~

I suppose this is something that is probably in everyone's mind every now and then. I don't believe if anyone tell me that no one, and I do mean NO ONE, in their lifetime, ever have this thought passing through their mind at least once.

I am guilty as charged and pretty often at that of entertaining such thoughts. So what is the thing that I am lazy now?

For one, I am lazy about dolling up. I always think "If I wasn't so lazy, maybe I can learn to... let say... pluck eyebrows? Tidy up or so?" Of course, if that is what I have done then I'd link to the next which is... Cosplaying =/ I often visualize myself in that yukata of mine, along with the neko ears, paws, tail etc the full works. But that is if I am not lazy~ La la la~

Then there is the job of mine. Last year this time, I was thinking about just getting a job. But hey, I am but another human. So now my headache is due to laziness to seek for another job. Better paying one at that. It is common if one seeks for a higher salary job especially if the current one is paying wayyyy... below the market rate. If I can, I'd rather work something that I like. Provided I know what I like now...

Change new job?

Recently always falling ill and the visit to the doctor yesterday makes me ponder about the above question even more.

The doctor kept on asking what my job scope was and if I feel stressed while at work. When I denied I was suffering from stress, he said "You may not think you are not suffering from stress but your body and mind may not agree consciously." That got me thinking about if I am feeling stress.

I admit that of late, more often than not, I have been thinking about not going to work, or to take MC or just simply, reluctant to head to work. Stress, not so much, I mean I feel ok when I reached my work place, except to wonder how to make time pass faster if I am sort of free on hand. In my past job, I could have surfed the net or maybe play with the equipments and just have someone to talk to without having my boss to turn around every few minutes to see what I was doing.

Any job that starts perhaps around 9am and ends around 6 to 6.30pm? Preferably near my house also. And with a salary of maybe around 2k or more? =x Fat hope I know, but one can still dream and wish right?

Few years back when I have to wake up at 6am, I kept complaining. Now I have to wake at 7am and I am still complaining. Wonder if 8am is better? Everyday (when I head to work of cos) I will start off by writing in my notebook "I wish I will land my dream job by 2013." If there's a job that interest me, I think I'd forgo the distance or maybe even wake up a little bit earlier but I am still not gonna compromise the salary. Wish I know what is my interest though... Sigh...

Satisfaction

This is one word that I dare say no one, at least none that I know of, have truly "own" it. By the definition of own, I meant having it. We always want something, no matter how big or small.

And after we gotten something, there will always be something else that pops out and it will be deja vu again.

Horrid cycle? Or too much desire? Or never ending greed? But then again, it's such a feeling that makes us aim higher. At the same time, it can be also the thing that break us as well.

Almost like "is the cup half full or half empty?", everyone have different views don't they?

Something that I desire a lot for a long time now, something that will put an end to most, if not, all of the others dissatisfaction. If I get that to be true, it may very well give me the utmost satisfaction perhaps, albeit it may be built on the emotions of others.

Suddenly have a scene in my head, a tiny little red apple, slowly turning black, never able to go back.

Fighting with "her" for my guy

If a gadget is a "she", then I guess I can understand why my dear's computer crashes on me so often.

First time round, which was like last year, the motherboard chose to crash on me when he was not around. And by he, I mean my boyfriend.

Today it is determined to give me the blue screen of death repeatedly.and yes, he is not around as well. And cos of it, I'm being blamed for crashing it. Talk about wrong place wrong time. And it did not even crash once when he was using it yesterday.

If the computer is a female, "she" must be a hell of a scheming girl to try to get me in trouble. Sigh... Even the computer wants to fight for my guy. Now I think I know why I hardly touch this computer, cos "she" will only creates trouble for me... =x

Having that said... Is my handphone consider as a "guy"? If so, will "he" be jealous of my boyfriend as well? Hmm... Food for thought... Signing out and hitting the sack now!

Interesting conversation

Usually if anyone were to discuss diamonds with me, it's usually my girl friends or maybe my in game friends talking to me about the "diamonds" in game.

But the person who broach me on this yesterday was none other than my dear. He was doing a little bit of research on diamonds and that sparks my curiosity.

Maybe after I get home tonight I may read up upon diamonds as well =p

Time for work.

That time of the month

That time of the month can be a girl's worst enemy. Not only does it makes a girl goes extremely cranky and insecure, it can also gives her the pain that she does not need.

Perhaps due to the consistent consuming of medicines ever since the start of the work ( muscle aches and headaches, flu, cough and sore throat ), it pushes back the period and make me ever more nerve wrecking that usual.

Senses more alert at the wrong time possible and concentration on stuff that are clearly should not even be in the top priority are draining me. Unable to board any transport when wanted, threw up yesterday, walked home in the rain twice in a row in 2 days are not exactly cheering me up either. Another colleague of mine left the work today, that marks like the 3rd or the 4th since I started work, is not very encouraging either.

Body clock is another one thing that is out to destroy whatever that is left of my sanity. 1st week woke up a couple of minutes before the alarm rings. Following gets earlier by a few more minutes to half an hour. Then sometime last week I woke up at 4am only to go back to sleep around 5am and woke up again when alarm rang. This week has just begin and I am waking up even earlier. Take this morning for example, I tossed and turned in bed around 5am plus ( cos when I peeked open my eyes, I was so damned sure that it was near 7am with the birds chirping outside and dare not go into deep sleep for fear I might oversleep ) and after tossing for like eternity, I finally took a look at my phone and it showed 5.40am. FML. I don't even know if I did sleep but I was ready to head out of bed when the alarm rang.

All these coming from someone who used to sleep in till 10am-12pm for almost 1 year. Is this some sort of retribution? I noticed if I sleep at 11.30pm, I will wake up at around 6.30am, and if I sleep at 12.30am or so, I will wake up at 5am plus. Something is definitely wrong here.

Sorry for all the ranting but I feel if I don't get all these negative thoughts out of me, I'd go crazy at some point of the time. And no one likes to hear negative stuff, so I can only vent it out here while envy those who are having the time of their life when I am at the bottom of the pit. Green eye monster is biting me hard. And what I wouldn't give to bite it back, returning double the poison it injects into me.

What a day... Tomorrow hopefully will be better

Aside from tons of stuff to remember, lunch not agreeing with my tummy, a major headache and walking home from work, I thought "Things might be getting better from now on."

Famous last words... Ended up feeling nauseous and having severe headache while lying in bed for a good 1 hour plus ( despite me taking in panadol and applying medicated oil ) before forcing myself to get a shower, which resulted me in throwing up whatever I had for lunch a good 7 hours or more ago.

But after that, I was feeling a tiny little bit better. And replying the miss call from dear ( just hearing his voice ) is making me feeling much better. And the one that hit the spot is the warm hot macaroni soup that ease all the nasty nauseous feeling in the awful tummy.

I can't say I am feeling 100% better but at least enough for me to feel more confident in facing work tomorrow, not with dread ( definitely not very eagerly of cos ) but at least, and hopefully, not with a sick body...

Sick

Monday arrived and I woken up only to be greeted by sore throat and blocked nose. And I knew my day was going to be wasted...

Had to call in sick at work and wasted near 3 hours to see doctor. Rest of the day went by in a blur. More like I was sleeping the whole day away.

When I finally did wake up again, I felt as if I am burning up. Follow by lots of negative thoughts... Times like this I wish I'm working. Those dark eye rings and eye bags refuse to leave me...

If I earn $1 for every negative thought I have or had, I'd probably be billionaire or maybe even richer. Hey, I'm sort of a pessimistic kind of person.

However I make an effort to change. If I'm feeling down, I try to see something good, like I get to rest more or something like that.

And my brother gave me a gift he brought back from Japan, a yukata, though I do not have the time to try it on yet, but it looks pretty...

Time to sleep again! Hope I wake up bright eyes and bushy tail ( pardon the pun ) and in a much better condition to work!

Random things for the past few days

Hmm... Still trying to think where to start...

I have been on the job for like almost 1 month. Sure, I have seen people came and left, some on the job not more than 1 month, but I also having quite a busy time, though, it is still consider relatively easy ( I would like it better without the daily headache, body and limbs aches, especially that pain that's bothering my left arm for around 2 weeks or more? ), perhaps it is still the honeymoon period. Once I get to "really start" work, I might be singing a different tune.

It amuses me to see people guessing my nationality and my age, and more often than not, like maybe 90% of the time ( 100% in fact for my age ) that they will guess wrongly. Whenever they asked me how old I am, I am always ready with the question "How old do YOU think I am?"

Its funny to see their reaction when I tell them how old I really am. They always go "OMG? You do not look like that age at all!"

Well, I think the reason behind that is, I don't feel like my age. Hell, I don't even ACT like my age. Who says older people needs to be more mature? I can be mature, depending on situations of course.

And my boss doesn't looks like his age either, though he is quite nice, you don't often see a boss buying random breakfast for his employees do you? But he does, now and then, though I don't usually accept, blame it on my weak tummy which will make me hurl or run to the loo if I have too greasy or spicy food in the morning.

Just now as I was about to board the bus to head home, I met another amusing person. An uncle to be exact. Boarding a bus to work and home is like a war. You have to push and shove to get in. But thankfully there were two buses so the second bus was not too crowded. I was about to board when I saw the uncle behind me. I gestured him to board first, trying to be gentlemanly/polite, but he replied in a light jokingly manner "It's ok! China girls can board first too!"

I laughed and asked "China girls?" and he replied "Malaysians girls can too board the bus!"

I smiled throughout the journey home. This is the first time someone think of me as a girl from China. My mandarin is not that fantastic, and my pronunciation can do with lots more improvement. I'd even say, I don't usually read in mandarin unless its manga or anime! Though if anyone were to have a conversation with me, they'd know straight away there's no way I am from China. C'mon, I probably have a proper conversation in mandarin without peppered that with English... But still, its interesting to think people think I am not local =p

Time to sit back and relax and watch "Super model me!" Whee~ Random ending here~

Weird dream

This morning had a weird dream. Dreamt that one of my friend had a job that offer 2k salary. Weird part is I was told the job is "curator" or "recurator", that it's for people who used to be in army or something like that.

When I woke up, naturally I went to find the meaning of curator which means a person that got to do with museum, and there is no such words as recurator.

Still thinking what the dream means, perhaps it's the reason why I can still remember so clearly...

When feeling a certain way...

Initially I was feeling a little bit down, then I realized that different people may have different effect on others.

After working in this new company, there's mixed feelings. Happy cos I am finally rid myself of the panic attack and diarrhea problems, not to mention having a stable income albeit its low. But on the other hand, it does creates a certain inconvenient situation as well. That in turns leads to me feeling a bit down. It does brings back some unwanted thoughts, almost similar to those when I was in depression, but not quite the same as well.

But then I thought of my boyfriend and how we started out. How things were and how I felt back then. At times I know I have taken him for granted. And how sweet he is when things goes really bad for me. He may be a bit tough to take but everything he does, he does it, usually, with a good reason. And mostly for me, for the future and things like that.

Right now, for unknown/unfounded reason, I can't seem to shake off a certain feeling. It's annoying cos it's preventing me from resting ( need to wake up early for work ), but I am trying my best to find out what is it. Is it due to work? Cos my whole body, first shoulders, then back, now legs and to my heels and ankles are sore and aching, and I got a bad feeling I am gonna be robot like cos of all the stiffness I am feeling now. Its so overwhelming.

Yesterday missed 3 buses cos they were fulled and the bus driver refused to stop and I walked to work from home and reached there with barely 1 minute to spare. Today same situation except this time I flagged down a cab and reached with 5 minutes to spare. Don't make me start going on how I am gonna be on my feet whole day tomorrow, the day after and the day after that.

I am praying that I can make it to work on time tomorrow by riding on the bus. Trying to keep my expenses low now. Hmm, I think I am getting tired cos I kept on misspelling. Pray I can rest well too... May everyone have a sweet dreams and be happy all day long~!

Yes or no?

If I am currently working, I may probably sign up or pay the $78 without hesitation, especially if it claims that it is going to get rid of my ridiculous anxiety attacks and diarrhea FOREVER and return the old me that used to run about and have fun.

I do have slight doubts in whether is the Triad Technique effective as it claims to be. Though I can't deny the fact that it has hit every nail in the head when it comes to everything that happen to me. I mean, I totally believed, till just now, that no one will ever understand what I have been through, and it is totally impossible for me to put it in words, let alone express it to the close ones around me, but this totally took words out of my mouth, or more like directly from my heart and mind.

This is possibly the closest chance to me being able to get treated permanently, with a slight problem. I distrust internet payment and I fear of being scammed. Being an avid online gamer, it has always been a pride for me of not being scammed.

To sign up or not? Will it really treat my anxiety problem and my fear of my heart not being able to work any longer? I really do not know...

Is someone up there playing with my life?

Many things happened this week that I have absolutely no idea where to start...

Hmm... Maybe a congratulation to myself for landing a job, close to my home too, just one bad thing... The salary is way lower than expected and even before I start working, I feel as if there is a lot of expectation set for me... No wonder the lady working there told me the company is extremely stingy...

I'm trying to keep a positive mindset, cos, who knows? Maybe a few weeks or months down the road, I may love the job itself enough to ignore the low salary and by then, people around me will be listening to me singing praises to the job instead.

So... Why will someone up there be giving me a job that is close by but not high in salary? Or they think I need to work harder? Maybe... To the extend of giving me a job that will MINUS your pay for tardiness or lousy job done or something along that line...

There are many times, especially since I reached the 20+ of age, that I feel like I'm not living the life that I ought to. Unfortunately a couple of blows to my ego and self confidence reduce my already pathetic state to a more coward/lazy one.

I often questioned myself, if given a chance, would I choose the "correct" path if I could go back in time? But then again, who was to deem which path is the "correct" one? It's not as if my current life is the worst (nor is it the best either).

At the very least, I do have a very competent dear (though at times it is not so good cos I feel I am not good enough).

Since turning back time is not possible, at least not in current era, the only thing I can do is to craft my future.

Easier said than done I know, but if I don't even try, I will always remain in the state of self pity or even in depression...

Writings always soothe me down somehow... If there is anything I am glad of, it should be my desire to write, cos without it, I would have gone crazy with all these thoughts in my mind and probably do the unthinkable...

Random thought of the day

More often than not, especially when I am jobless ( cos if I am having a job, my mind would be occupied by what I need to finish for that day isn't it? Or perhaps I'd be too tired to think anyway ) my mind will be making me feeling with guilt of being jobless. Not that I didn't try to seek for one, mind you, its just that I have yet gotten the job ( leave it to you to think be it my dream job or just any job ).

Anyway, once guilt ridden, my attention somehow always went to the most extremely irrelevant thoughts and today, it is "What if I am born into a different era or that I can travel back in time, perhaps during the World War II, the Japanese Occupation in Singapore time?" It's not that I like war or anything for that matter. I am just thinking that perhaps a day or two in that era would probably make me mature overnight. One just have to in that period of rough time. Or make me panic enough to realize how fortunate we are now and how short life can be.

I can, however, imagine that I might be shallow enough to worry about the lack of air con or fridge or any of the current comfort lifestyle that these generations now seems to take for granted of. One may asked "Why that era?" Well, for the most basic reason, I guessed I had been having such thoughts since back in Secondary 1 or 2, when my history teacher, Miss Ong, was teaching us the history of Singapore, no one in class was ever bored or inattentive. True, her prizes for the top students in her class ( such as vouchers for Popular bookstore attracts bookworms like me, or a free meal at Seoul Garden which is probably a great deal for the cash strapped students back at my time, or maybe a CD of your choice ) were one of the reasons why everyone paid attention, but also her incredible way of narrating the history to the extend that I felt like the history was unfolded before my very eyes and that as if we were participating the history right there, right in the class.

I can still remember crystal clearly that the frustration we felt when our country fell into the wrong hands and by no less, a lie, that would have been unfounded if only we could tell the information that we knew, to the top authority. Of cos that was only one of the emotions that were to come till I graduated from history or rather, till Miss Ong no longer taught me anyway.

Hmm... Oh well, I shall leave it here for today then...