This year Chinese New Year isn't going as well as I thought it might be.
I'd say the first day of CNY ( or at least the morning ) was alright, in fact I attracted lots of attentions on the bus or while walking and definately surprised all my relatives ( most did not recognise me at the first sight ) due to my wig.
But eventually, before the CNY can end, the one left most surprised... Was me...
On CNY I did noticed my Lizzy was not feeling well and it wasn't till I saw how weak ( and I have no idea that she would get weaker as time goes on ) Lizzy became that I got worried.
Lizzy, aka Elizabeth Lim, is my Brown Velvet Chinchilla. I 'rescued' her about 5 years back from a shop that was taking poor care of her. Back then, they called her Brownie ( Seriously, can't they pick a better name? ) and I doubt they know what breed she was ( Neither do I at the point of time ).
Anyway, it aches my heart to see her in such poor condition that on the spot, I paid $150 for her. Her fur was shedding like mad, she has dried skin flakes and slight fungal infection. In short, she was in a very very bad condition. I brought her to Pat and Cat of House of Chinchilla and that's where I knew what breed she was and how much she's worth ( around $800 at that time, should have increased quite a bit right now ).
Immediately brought her for a check up at Mt. Pleasant Clinic nearby and slowly but surely, nursed her back to health. Back then I think she was around 4 months old or so. And I learnt that she was not one easy chinchilla to care for.
I let her stay with Roxy, my late female Sapphire chinchilla ( whom passed away pretty shortly ) and Alex ( a violet boy ). After Roxy passed away ( she went a little crazy and bit Alex till his leg was bleeding and after I placed her in a seperate cage, she died ), Lizzy and Alex had 3 kits, Alexander, Alexandra and Alice ( she's still with me now ).
But all these happened before I quarreled with the friend ( whose was housing the chinchillas that we bought/adopted etc ) and I took Lizzy, Alice, Dusk and Shadow with me.
And since then, I tried my best to provide everything I could for them, caring for them when sick and giving them food, treats, toys, bath and so on. Lizzy was the only chinchilla out of the 4 who like water bath and hated dust bath. She's also a little fighter, often pushing my hand away when I reached into the cage for her. If after repeated of her pushing my hand away and I still insist, she would bite me like saying "No, I don't want to be carried out!"
So back to 1st day of CNY... I called Cat and told her of Lizzy's condition and she suggested I get medication from Pat. I was worried, was tearing, resolving not to breakdown while I see my baby getting weak. My brother pushed me, shouted at me to hurry, to save her, to get her medication. To which I realised I can't delay and rushed down, took a cab to Pat and back home.
Lizzy swallowed the medication, and even ate a little bit. I was relieved and thought she might recover but my joy was short-lived.
The next day, she was breathing heavily, and her little heart pounding fast. I tried to feed her, she refused to eat. I carried her but she was limp, very weak, in my hands. I cried. Asked her to live, for me, and that I would do anything for her. That I would buy a new cage, would get her better food and toys. But she did not respond. She lay there, eyes half closed, and getting weaker at each passing seconds.
I was sobbing, crying, going crazy. I did not know what to do. Called Cat, and she told me if Lizzy stop eating, it meant her internal organs were starting to fail and I am losing her and I have to let her go. After Cat hung up, I was holding Lizzy closed to me and cried. I don't want to lose her. She's my little fighter.
I called Ray dear but during the long hour before he reached, I was already crying buckets, heart aching, memories flashing, left eyelid twitched ( a very very bad sign ). I tried to tell my brother but he was busy, yet he managed to rush home.
My wish at the moment was to control time. To turn back and save her when I could. Or hope I am able to cure every illness. Or maybe if, if I can take her place in suffering instead, and not being so helpless...
Ray dear was shocked to see me like that. I think he never seen me behaving this way before. But he never gave up. He asked me to fight, for her. We tracked down and decided to go to Mt. Pleasant Hospital. He made a few calls and finally his sister agreed to fetch us there with help from her bf.
On the way there, I admit, my hope was raised. I was praying time was not against me. When we reached, I told them, "My pet is dying" and she was whisked away from me by 3 people. I thought she could be saved.
Then, what seemed like a long wait, I was asked to step in. The doctor said "She has uteral infection, suspected tumor ( pointed and asked me to feel the tumor ) or cancer. If she is to undergo surgery, there's only 10% success chance. But she may die, before, during or after the surgery. There's a chance of her illness relapse. And cos she is 5 years old already, we do not encourage aggressive approach to save her... If she is my chinchilla, I rather give her mercy killing..."
I watched Lizzy, she could have just been sleeping, except for the oxygen mask she's breathing on. I was anything but calm. I cried hysterically and stopped just as sudden. Then I cried again. God knows how long I repeated this. I ran out of the room to make my decision. Ray called me but I ran past him till I was at the carpark. I need to think.
I lost Dawn ( a male chinchilla, Dusk's brother ) to mercy killing a couple of years back. Different situation, but similiar choices. Low success rate of surgery. May relapse. Recommand mercy killing to end their sufferings.
Ray, upon knowing what's wrong, asked if I want to try all possible means to save her. I was in confusion. I want to save her, I want her live, but I don't want to make her suffer. We went back and asked for a quotation if we were to do surgery. They said they need to stabalise her if want to operate her. The whole thing is going to cost us at least $800. And once again reminded us that she may not live.
I cried everytime I see her, I stroke her and asked for time to be alone, just Lizzy and me. I talked to her, but not sure if she knew. Time and again, I wish, I was the one who's suffering and not her. In the end, I called my brother and he said to let her go for he don't wish to let her suffer anymore. True, the one whose left living will always be the one who suffer.
Then the dreaded decision was made. I had to let her go. I insisted on accompany her, all the way. I did not do it for Dawn. I got to do it for Lizzy. I had to send her off.
The doctor tried twice, to inject the horrid liquid in her through the veins in her ears. But she failed. Then she said "If the 3rd try fail, we might try to operate and inject it directly to her heart." I sweared if they did that, I would be more unstable and god knows what I might do to the doctor. Ray did not want me to see it but I refused to budge.
My darling Lizzy was struggling a little and I was given false hope that she might be well. But I remembered her condition and cried more. The doctor said usually they ( the one given the mercy killing to ) would not struggle but Lizzy did. My little fighter to the end...
The 3rd try, they got it and there she lays. Still looking like she's sleeping. I can't see a thing. Vision blurred by tears. Blindly followed to wherever they carried my Lizzy to. Sat in the room. Talked to her. Cried. Staring at her. Cried. And I can't remember anything anymore except dear's sis came in and went out. And dear sort of got me out for he say I might not leave if he don't get me out. Deep down, I knew he was right. And part of me died on the same day.
Dear's been accompanying me since, cheering me up, showing me that I still need to care for Shadow, Dusk and Alice. They knew she's gone and from the teary look of their innocent faces, its no doubt they might be blaming me as well. It's been 4 days since her death, but not once did I not teared when I am thinking of her. Not once have I stopped wishing, that I can take her place... Every waking moment reminding me that she's not with me, that I have 3 babies now instead of 4.
If it hasn't been for Ray with me, I may not be able to face people at all. All I wanted to do was to hide at home and cry my eyes out, till tears run dry. But he won't allow that. He made sure somehow I am getting over. The pain hurts but starting to be a bit more bearable. I thought I might not made it through, but he lead me through.
Some people might not be able to relate by saying "This is just an animal, why should you be so emotional?"
Get this, they are not just animals. They are my friends, my kids. They accompanied me when I am down, gave me hope when I felt I am lost. Calms me down when I am angered. Console me when I am upset.
Now imagine this, if your child, really, I do mean if you are a parent, and your child has died, will you not be emotional?
Please don't speak rubbish without thinking through. They are almost like my real kids and I am their furless mummy. I cared for them when they are young ( imagine waking up every hour on the dot for weeks to hand feed them, feeding them medication when they are ill, worry that they might not have enough to eat or drink or if they got too hot, smiling whenever they shown me something new, just having them to cuddle up to me when they are scared, proudly showing them off to my friends like every parent would with their children ) and if you said they are just mere animals, I might just beat you up for that. Even if they are mere animals ( to which I'd still beat you first ) at least they have more feeling than most people, at least they know what love is and of cos, not as heartless as most of the people that I have read in the news and those that have not yet been reported for beating up their love ones or trying to get them kill or something along the line.
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